Hate myself for being me...

I'm a happy person. I've always felt like a happy person. (Okay, besides that one point in my life when I was sorta, not clinically, depressed, but other than that!). I've never understood why people would feel sorry for themselves. Look on the brighter side, right? Wrong! Sometimes all you can do is cry over something. No matter how long it's been or what's changed since then. There are some people in my life that can make me happy no matter what mood I'm in, but then there are those people that even the tiniest thought brings me down. I try my best to stay happy. I really want to be happy all the time. I don't like it when people are sad. Not because I try to cheer them up, because I do, but I just don't understand other people's sadness. I'm a hypocrite really. I can't stand for people to go on and on and on about their problems. Maybe I just can't stand the ones who crave the attention. It just drives me insane. When I feel upset about something, all I can think about is how if I heard all the stuff I'm thinking from someone else, I wouldn't want to hear it. I'd give them so many excuses as to why they shouldn't feel that way, or I'd want to tell them that they should do something about it and stop complaining. I tell myself these things everyday. I hate how I feel about certain things. So many people seem to try to find the littlest thing to feel sorry for themselves about. I don't want to be that person who's always sad or angry about something. I want to be that person that everyone knows is happy and can take perfectly good care of herself. I don't need anyone to help me, and maybe that's why I don't always feel the need to help other people, but I'm working on that. I'm really trying to change, not change the way I am, but my outlook on everything. If I become a better person for it, then so be it. Somethings wrong with me? I don't know. I feel certain things and I hate myself for it. I just feel like I should be able to snap out of it. "Just be happy already, Alyssa!" is what I tell myself constantly. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy about 80% of the time.. mostly when I'm around friends. At home, it's either a fight with my parents, or just my thoughts running wild in my head. Neither is safe for me. I'm either going to get steaming mad and then beat myself up for being so selfish, or I'm going to get super mopey, and if that's the case, I'll just give myself grief... "you shouldn't think about him.", "Do you know how good you have it compared to some people", "Just stop", "You're overreacting", "You complain too much". Yeah, I say those things to myself. I have a certain friend who I tell some of these things to ( I'm Sorry). Trust me when I say, I tell myself these things so much more than I tell anyone else. "If you don't like attention craving people, why are you posting your thoughts online? To get attention hmm?" Bet you're all wondering that? But the point of this blog is not to get attention, it's a place for me to "journal"? and get my thoughts out while staying somewhat anonymous. Trust me, I don't want anyone's pity. If anything I'd want someone to come up to me and say "Snap out of it!" Just like Coach Altman waking me up when my blood pressure medicine makes me tired in AP Calculus, sometimes a sudden startling is all someone needs to snap out of it. (: