Tumblr.

I've started a Tumblr to vent/ track my new diets and such. It's at http://alyssaanorexic.tumblr.com/

I'll probably post to that more often than I do on here when it comes to strictly Pro-Ana stuff. No I'm not PROMOTING ANOREXIA. My Tumblr is a place for me to get out what's in my head like I do on this blog. I will probably still post on this blog with journals. The Tumblr is mostly for progress, quotes, little thoughts.

Have a nice day (:

Quotes

"You look really pretty tonight"
"You'll always be beautiful to me"
"You're amazing"
"I really want this to work"
"I really like you"
"If it was up to me, this would last forever"

These are just a few things I would imagine my one true love would say to me. I have always been a hopeless romantic, and when guys tell me stuff like this, it means a lot. I had fallen short of believing this kind of thing until a week ago. A guy told me all of these things throughout the week, and I believed him. I felt like he really liked me, and I really liked him. I wanted it to work as much as he "wanted" it to. Now he's broken up with me because he thinks I'm getting attached. I don't think I'll ever understand this.

Which came first? Love or Happiness.

So I started dating this guy, Anthony, a week ago today. My friend Jessica saw me a few days after we started dating and noticed my bubbly personality. When I told her I had a new boyfriend, she thought that the new guy was the reason I was so happy. That isn't necessarily the case. I am quite ecstatic with him, but I think it was my happy mood at the football game that got his attention. I went to that game with complete confidence. I think that's what got his attention. Now we're together and I am even happier than before. :D

Girls Vs. Guys... MAKEUP

So, I understand girls wanting to where make-up to look prettier... I wear it all the time. I don't know what I'd do without my eyeliner. What I don't understand is why guys want to where it?! Some guys where it t be funny... Some guys where it because they are homosexual and think it looks good... Some guys want to look more "emo"... I don't think any of this is an excuse. Make-up was made to perfect a person's imperfections... Sort of... If a guy admits that they wear make-up to "look more emo" , then in my opinion, they are a poser anyway. Anyone who would actually fit into that stereotypical group(I don't agree with stereotyping) wouldn't want to be called emo... just like a girl who was really smart and popular wouldn't want to be called a prep. It's insulting to be labeled. As for the homosexual side of things... Isn't there a reason you're like that? Don't you want to attract a guy who's also looking for guys? If that's the case, maybe you should dress like a guy! Otherwise, a straight guy might come up to you and hit on you. You'll love it at first, but you better watch out once he finds out you're a dude... I don't exactly know where I'm going with this, and most of my rant is because of a certain someone I know who is semi-recently out of the closet. They posted a pic of themself wearing make-up and I just... I don't know.. I wanted to bog about it. Wear make-up if you want, I'm probably just being biased because this person is my ex-boyfriend. Well, I guess that's all...

It starts tonight.

The title says it all. That's it. No more putting it off another day. Water is all I'm allowing myself. I've said it a million times and never gone through with it. I'm not eating anymore, and I wont regret it. I am going to lose weight. I'll do whatever it takes...

Up Way too late!

So I just finished posting previous journal entry's into my blog so that I could have a semi-clear start for just journal-ing straight to the blog. I am up at... 2:47 and I can't sleep. I actually fell asleep around 7 or 8pm and I slept until midnight, and I'm up an about again. I can't to too much this time of night because everyone else in the house is asleep and I don't want too many lights in my room on because that would disturb Halley, my sister, whose room is connected to mine. I'm trying to figure out a way to get over my... insomnia? Is it called insomnia if you can't sleep in my case? I usually get sleepy way too early and then wake up just as dramatically early. I would rather fall asleep around midnight and wake up at 4 than what I'm doing. I know that my pattern over time might be the one causing my crazy habit, but even if I am tired, it's hard for me to fall asleep around midnight, and if I go to sleep too early, that's when I wake up. I really don't want sleeping pills to help with it, I'd rather just learn ways to cope with it, and still have a fairly productive day coming. I actually went up until around 7 without eating today. I didn't even mean to. I woke up around 10am and went to work for someone at my church immediately, so no breakfast. Then, she offered me something to eat, but I just wanted to get my work done, get paid, and go home. She called me on such short notice that I didn't have time for a shower and I felt so disgusting. She didn't seem to notice, but all I could think about was how gross my hair felt in the heat. She didn't have any air condition on, and all the windows were open. I was worried she would see my scars, so I wore my arm warmers, but as soon as I got there, she insisted I take them off. She wasn't being rude, she just knew I would be working with cleaners and bleach, and she didn't want me to ruin them. Now I don't even know where they are. There is a slight chance that I left them at her house, but before I freak out, I'm searching my room and the car. Okay so I get home from working and Jeffrey texts me wanting to go visit Jessica. We head over to Jacksonville, and it's my first time seeing her new apartment. It's so awesome. I was supposed to live with her, but my parents changed there mind at literally the last minute. They have agreed that after 1 year at home I can live in Jacksonville with Jeffrey while continuing at JSU. Jeffrey will be a senior in high school so he'll be coming to JSU next year anyway. We aren't going to live at the Grove where Jessica lives though. We're going to live at the neighboring apartments called the Reserve. It's 55$ a month cheaper per person and still most of the perks the Grove has. When I get home from that, I finally get something to eat. Haha, I eat a good bit of popcorn chicken and some cheese stuffed jalapenos (both microwavable). Then, I had an apple, randomly. So that's all I've eaten all day. I think it was because I was doing stuff and wasn't really thinking about food. Tomorrow will probably be different since I don't actually have anything to do and I'll be home all day... Unless my mom and dad decide to go to Coleman Lake. I asked them about it, but I didn't ever get a clear answer.
        Well, I think I've rambled on enough. I'm actually not too anxious tonight, so it's not as interesting a journal as I thought it might be... but I'll leave you alone now, if anyone's actually made it this far haha. Nighty Night--Alyssa

Good days turn to black holes... :/

If I had written in this journal this morning, it would have been on a very happy note. I would tell about how I love my curves and I would hate to be a stick. I would be happy about my starting school in 2 weeks and that I think my attitude is changing. I would be ecstatic about life and everything in it.  Unfortunately it’s no longer the morning, and my attitude has changed. It’s like this a lot recently. I don’t know if I just force this great attitude into my mind when I’m around people, but I actually believe what I tell myself at the time. If I were to hear what I said now, I’d laugh. I have dramatic changes in thought within the day. It’s not every day, but it was today… Yesterday Mama, Jeffrey, Halley, Sara, and I all went to JSU so I could pick up my parking sticker and my text books. To begin with, my dad was going with me, then my mom decided to go with me, but she woke up late and didn’t go shopping when she said she was, so I offered to drive with just the four of us friends. She considered it, and while I was planning that, she up and tells me maybe we should wait until another day. This made me break down completely. I don’t know what happened but I can’t handle changes of plans. We did end up going with my mom and I drove up there (in the rain I might add—quite proud of myself).  My mom criticizes me so much. I don’t think she knows what little things mean to me. I actually wanted to cry over something she said in the car. Jeffrey made a joke so I started to “laugh” and my tears were luckily misinterpreted as tears of laughter. That’s the first time I’ve cried in front of my friends. It was actually really hard to play it off as tears of laughter, considering my smile wanted to keep forming a frown, and I would have to adjust it. I don’t know what I would have done if Jeffrey hadn’t made that joke. I feel like he is my best friend. I have another best friend, Kaitlin, who has been with me through a lot, but I haven’t ever told her my true deep down emotions. I don’t mean to put Kaitlin out, but I feel like Jeffrey is a better friend sometimes… I don’t tell him everything either, but I think I’ve told him more. I think I’m just going to sit here and cry for a few minutes…