Heartbreak This and Depression That

So, I've been straightening up my room... and all was going well, until I found the Valentine's Day card from Will... It said "To my special girl, who means the world to me" .... The break up has really hit me now. I'm no longer his special girl, and I will probably never be that again. He said after we broke up that he still loved me, but I doubt that, considering the way we broke up. He cheated on me... with a guy. Not that I'm being homophobic in saying it's a guy; it doesn't matter guy or girl to me, cheating is cheating. He had been talking about having some "feelings" toward guys. He said he had these feelings in high school, but could never express them for fear of being ridiculed... Now that he's in college he feels he can be "more himself"... Well, he started talking to a guy that goes by the name of Benji Bernie. I know him. He's my COUSIN. I know Benji is gay, and a friend of mine, Jeffrey, doesn't think so highly of him... To begin with I thought he was just talking to Benji... you know, trying to figure stuff out... if he's bi, if he might be gay... I found out about the talking on... Friday of last week. He said they were "talking" yeah.. THAT "talking"... already I considered it cheating. It just doesn't seem right that he would be "talking" to ANYONE... boy or girl... considering we are engaged. I got upset and he just kept saying that we didn't have to go by certain "rules that I was making up"... when my only thing was that he shouldn't cheat... Call me crazy, but that's a deal breaker for me. But I looked past it... I didn't think it could be that bad, it's just "talking".. right? Boy was I wrong! On Sunday, between church and getting ready for the play I was in (Sally Cotter and the Censored Stone)... he brought it up again... I was still distressed over him having feelings for anyone else. What was I supposed to feel? Was I supposed to be okay with all of this? So we left on a pretty bad note on Sunday. Well, on Monday he showed up to pick me up from track practice... actually he didn't plan on picking me up, he just wanted to talk, but he ended up taking me home anyway. When we got to my house, he broke down, saying that Benji didn't want to "see him anymore because he doesn't want me to get mad"... Apparently he thought Benji and him were "dating" yeah.. like going steady... remember he's ENGAGED to ME.... crack number one... but because Benji didn't want me mad, he told him they weren't. Will told me that if we were to break up, he would have no one. He threatened to kill himself, and after a lot of consoling, he calmed down, enough to tell me the whole story... goodness, I thought it was bad before... It turns out that they kissed... there's another crack... They even shared... sexual intimacy..... a piece then breaks off.... and to top it all off, he said he might have LOVED Benji..... that's it, my heart shattered... At this point, it didn't matter if I forgave him, or if he promised it would never happen again( which I knew he wouldn't)... It just wasn't the same after I heard all of that. I don't know if it's that he cheated, or that he lied( because he did say that nothing happened sometime before that) ... or if it's because he started loving Benji... but something just clicked... and my heart shattered.. He broke my heart. I don't know if I'll ever be the same after this. I toold him our paths might cross again someday, but... in all honesty, I don't know if they will. Even though he broke my heart, I still love him with all the little pieces... and I don't know why! I shouldn't. I should hate him!!! But I can't... for some reason, I can't be mad at him for this. I went 3 days almost in denial about this, but now, I know we're over, and I know I can't do anything about it. I'll just have to deal with it... and if dealing with it means crying over every thing that reminds me of him.... songs, sayings, people, places, activities, then so be it. I can't help that he broke my heart, I can't go back in time and change what happened. I just can't help feeling that he did all of this because I wasn't good enough for him... A year ago.. I was in a depression... I thought I knew was heartbreak was. Ha! I can't believe I was so naive... I'm just going to live each day as it comes.... I'll get through this... I know it. ~Alyssa Collision