Girls Vs. Guys... MAKEUP

So, I understand girls wanting to where make-up to look prettier... I wear it all the time. I don't know what I'd do without my eyeliner. What I don't understand is why guys want to where it?! Some guys where it t be funny... Some guys where it because they are homosexual and think it looks good... Some guys want to look more "emo"... I don't think any of this is an excuse. Make-up was made to perfect a person's imperfections... Sort of... If a guy admits that they wear make-up to "look more emo" , then in my opinion, they are a poser anyway. Anyone who would actually fit into that stereotypical group(I don't agree with stereotyping) wouldn't want to be called emo... just like a girl who was really smart and popular wouldn't want to be called a prep. It's insulting to be labeled. As for the homosexual side of things... Isn't there a reason you're like that? Don't you want to attract a guy who's also looking for guys? If that's the case, maybe you should dress like a guy! Otherwise, a straight guy might come up to you and hit on you. You'll love it at first, but you better watch out once he finds out you're a dude... I don't exactly know where I'm going with this, and most of my rant is because of a certain someone I know who is semi-recently out of the closet. They posted a pic of themself wearing make-up and I just... I don't know.. I wanted to bog about it. Wear make-up if you want, I'm probably just being biased because this person is my ex-boyfriend. Well, I guess that's all...

It starts tonight.

The title says it all. That's it. No more putting it off another day. Water is all I'm allowing myself. I've said it a million times and never gone through with it. I'm not eating anymore, and I wont regret it. I am going to lose weight. I'll do whatever it takes...

Up Way too late!

So I just finished posting previous journal entry's into my blog so that I could have a semi-clear start for just journal-ing straight to the blog. I am up at... 2:47 and I can't sleep. I actually fell asleep around 7 or 8pm and I slept until midnight, and I'm up an about again. I can't to too much this time of night because everyone else in the house is asleep and I don't want too many lights in my room on because that would disturb Halley, my sister, whose room is connected to mine. I'm trying to figure out a way to get over my... insomnia? Is it called insomnia if you can't sleep in my case? I usually get sleepy way too early and then wake up just as dramatically early. I would rather fall asleep around midnight and wake up at 4 than what I'm doing. I know that my pattern over time might be the one causing my crazy habit, but even if I am tired, it's hard for me to fall asleep around midnight, and if I go to sleep too early, that's when I wake up. I really don't want sleeping pills to help with it, I'd rather just learn ways to cope with it, and still have a fairly productive day coming. I actually went up until around 7 without eating today. I didn't even mean to. I woke up around 10am and went to work for someone at my church immediately, so no breakfast. Then, she offered me something to eat, but I just wanted to get my work done, get paid, and go home. She called me on such short notice that I didn't have time for a shower and I felt so disgusting. She didn't seem to notice, but all I could think about was how gross my hair felt in the heat. She didn't have any air condition on, and all the windows were open. I was worried she would see my scars, so I wore my arm warmers, but as soon as I got there, she insisted I take them off. She wasn't being rude, she just knew I would be working with cleaners and bleach, and she didn't want me to ruin them. Now I don't even know where they are. There is a slight chance that I left them at her house, but before I freak out, I'm searching my room and the car. Okay so I get home from working and Jeffrey texts me wanting to go visit Jessica. We head over to Jacksonville, and it's my first time seeing her new apartment. It's so awesome. I was supposed to live with her, but my parents changed there mind at literally the last minute. They have agreed that after 1 year at home I can live in Jacksonville with Jeffrey while continuing at JSU. Jeffrey will be a senior in high school so he'll be coming to JSU next year anyway. We aren't going to live at the Grove where Jessica lives though. We're going to live at the neighboring apartments called the Reserve. It's 55$ a month cheaper per person and still most of the perks the Grove has. When I get home from that, I finally get something to eat. Haha, I eat a good bit of popcorn chicken and some cheese stuffed jalapenos (both microwavable). Then, I had an apple, randomly. So that's all I've eaten all day. I think it was because I was doing stuff and wasn't really thinking about food. Tomorrow will probably be different since I don't actually have anything to do and I'll be home all day... Unless my mom and dad decide to go to Coleman Lake. I asked them about it, but I didn't ever get a clear answer.
        Well, I think I've rambled on enough. I'm actually not too anxious tonight, so it's not as interesting a journal as I thought it might be... but I'll leave you alone now, if anyone's actually made it this far haha. Nighty Night--Alyssa

Good days turn to black holes... :/

If I had written in this journal this morning, it would have been on a very happy note. I would tell about how I love my curves and I would hate to be a stick. I would be happy about my starting school in 2 weeks and that I think my attitude is changing. I would be ecstatic about life and everything in it.  Unfortunately it’s no longer the morning, and my attitude has changed. It’s like this a lot recently. I don’t know if I just force this great attitude into my mind when I’m around people, but I actually believe what I tell myself at the time. If I were to hear what I said now, I’d laugh. I have dramatic changes in thought within the day. It’s not every day, but it was today… Yesterday Mama, Jeffrey, Halley, Sara, and I all went to JSU so I could pick up my parking sticker and my text books. To begin with, my dad was going with me, then my mom decided to go with me, but she woke up late and didn’t go shopping when she said she was, so I offered to drive with just the four of us friends. She considered it, and while I was planning that, she up and tells me maybe we should wait until another day. This made me break down completely. I don’t know what happened but I can’t handle changes of plans. We did end up going with my mom and I drove up there (in the rain I might add—quite proud of myself).  My mom criticizes me so much. I don’t think she knows what little things mean to me. I actually wanted to cry over something she said in the car. Jeffrey made a joke so I started to “laugh” and my tears were luckily misinterpreted as tears of laughter. That’s the first time I’ve cried in front of my friends. It was actually really hard to play it off as tears of laughter, considering my smile wanted to keep forming a frown, and I would have to adjust it. I don’t know what I would have done if Jeffrey hadn’t made that joke. I feel like he is my best friend. I have another best friend, Kaitlin, who has been with me through a lot, but I haven’t ever told her my true deep down emotions. I don’t mean to put Kaitlin out, but I feel like Jeffrey is a better friend sometimes… I don’t tell him everything either, but I think I’ve told him more. I think I’m just going to sit here and cry for a few minutes…

Maybe I'm crazy?

So I guess this is going to be more than just about my self-image and stuff like that, It’ll probably about my anxiety and any other thoughts as well. I just cut my leg… Like I actually saw the skin split. I felt a little guilty about it, but then I saw where the… cellulite? Was building up in my thighs, so I felt better. It was kind of like a “Yeah, you deserved that.” To my legs. I wish I could think of myself as pretty, and I really do think my face is pretty… for the most part. I just HATE my weight and I hate looking at my full body in the mirror): I was actually feeling good today. This morning I looked in the mirror and I admitted out loud that I actually liked what I saw. Now I’m sitting here in dried blood trying to wrap my head around my polar opposite feelings. I love myself one minute, then I’m punishing myself for eating the next. I don’t think I would be classified as anorexic. For one: I’m not skinny enough, For two: I actually haven’t skipped that many meals. I’ve tried… Many times I’ve tried, but I always randomly go into the kitchen and then I find myself eating. It’s not really a binge type eating… or when I’m bored. I just can’t seem to stop eating. I eat a “healthy amount” according to my mom. To me, though, it’s too much. I need to be eating nothing, so my body can burn off this fat. I’m too out of shape to exercise properly. I think if I had access to a gym or gym equipment, it would be easier, but normal push-ups and crunches don’t do it for me. I just don’t know how to deal with it.

                About my anxiety, I can’t seem to understand it. Sometimes, I am so anxious at night and that’s why I cut and it helps me calm down and go to sleep, but if I cut myself for other reasons, self-hatred, punishment, etc. then it makes me anxious. Even right now that’s why I’m too anxious to sleep. When I get like this, it’s so hard to sleep. I see bugs that aren’t there, and I feel them on my skin. I could swear I see them, but when I do a double take, it’s gone! I usually don’t have enough emotion to cry that much anymore… I listen to music to bring out my emotion. Sure I could cry if I lay there forever without any sleep at all for a long enough time, but crying tires me out, so I like the music to make me cry. I don’t ever cut because I’m sad over music, so that’s never the reason. Giving up the music would be a giant step back to me. I wouldn’t have it to calm me down from anxiety, so… I would probably get worse. I think I’m also really afraid of the dark… but only when I get extremely anxious, or if something triggers it. Like right now I’m distracted by this journal, so it doesn’t bother me, but if I heard a mysterious bump, buzzing, flutter, or even something outside… if I saw a shadow that could have honestly been anything, or a light coming from outside, I CAN’T sleep. It was once so bad I slept on the couch… and even then I didn’t get to sleep until 6am when the sun came. While in the living room that night I also had a bad freak attack about someone being outside (when no one was there)… I hid in the bathroom for at least an hour… I don’t know what goes through my mind sometimes.. Maybe I’m crazy?

I think I'm losing it...

So I’ve officially gone 8 hours and 12 minutes without food or any drink besides water. It’s the longest I’ve gone so far. I know it doesn’t seem like much, but I’ve been attempting to become anorexic for a couple of weeks now. I skipped a real meal today. I say “real” because I don’t count skipping breakfast just because I slept in. I skipped supper today, and my dad grilled… feels like an accomplishment to me.

                Now, I don’t know if anyone would actually understand my thoughts, but I pretty much think like a recovering anorexic. I know I should eat, I know why I should eat, but when I look at myself in the mirror it disgusts me, and I want to cut myself when I eat. I don’t know when anyone will notice, but I don’t care. Honestly, the sooner they notice, the sooner I can get help for this, and hopefully for my depression

Journal Excerpt #3

So… I keep reading up on Anorexia… You’d think it would talk me out of it… but it doesn’t. These girls who usually think they are fat are like… 130lbs or less. I’m way over that limit.. So, I need to get down to that. Well, my goal is actually 120… but anyway, I just want to be that so bad. That’s it! NO MORE FOOD. If I eat one more piece of food or drink one more thing that is not food, I’m ending it! I can’t keep putting this off. I need change, and I need to start working on it now! This is my Promise to myself. <3 and="and" anything="anything" be="be" before="before" die="die" else="else" get="get" i="i" in="in" let="let" o:p="o:p" of="of" pretty="pretty" skinny="skinny" that.="that." the="the" way="way" will="will">

I don’t know if it was real… but I was just singing really loud to a song, and as the music got louder, so did I, and I think Halley yelled at me to “SHUT UP!” … but I don’t know if she did… Am I going crazy?

AHHHHHHHHHHH I just want to scream…..

More places to cut myself? I don’t want to just overlay scar after scar on the section of my arms I’m cutting now, but I don’t want a completely obvious spot either. The spot I’m using now is really good. No one has noticed at all! (Either that or they don’t care._. ) Halley did say she saw a red mark on my arm, but she didn’t know what it was… I think she might now, but she hasn’t seen the whole, and she hasn’t said anything about it. I just ….. what was I going to say?.......... I don’t know. My mind is just blank now… I’m not sleeping today.. I won’t even sleep to sleep in. I don’t need it… I don’t think. I use the “…” way too much. I think it looks stupid when I use it too much, but when I go back and the read it, the “…”’s make me trail off what I was reading, which is the whole purpose right…? Yeah, I think so.

I didn’t get to drive to JSU today… I was supposed to. I’m not feeling bad about it though. I don’t want to totally rip out my parent’s throat for not letting me. My Great Uncle Roy passed away today… or yesterday, technically. So, my mom had the car majority of the day at the hospital… at least majority of the time I was awake…

So I don’t know what else to say… Nighty night… or good morning?

Journal Excerpt #2

Okay, so today was… You know, I really don’t know if I want to explain it. I do, but I don’t think it can all come into words. I’d rather just go to bed and cry, but the computer is my music right now… I did learn something in church today... We had to list things that people normally do to their enemy. Some things were:

·         Put them down whenever possible.
·         Physically hurt them.
·        Think about ways to hurt them.
·         Cuss the person out.
·         Hope the die a slow and painful death.

So, does this mean that I’m my own enemy? I don’t know what I’ve become… 

Journal Excerpt #1

I can promise you that YouTube completely makes me forget about time. I don’t know what it is about learning new things and figuring out other people’s perspective that intrigues me, but I love it! When I’m reading something, I can get so bored if I’m not hooked on it early, but watching something… It makes everything click. It makes everything so much more interesting. I’ve noticed that it is now 3:14am, and I have been on YouTube since 10:00pm. I originally got on the computer to journal, and YouTube is where I ended up. So now I shall journal. I’m also getting bored with this font, so let’s change it up a bit. There, papyrus is my absolute favorite font to journal in. I don’t know why, but the way it looks so neat and hand written at the same time is amazing. I’m currently also listening to my iTunes playlist. I’m sorry if I’m becoming boring with all the scattered thoughts, but I really want to capture everything. Earlier today I was in the shower and I was talking to myself… strangely enough in a British accent… and I kept thinking that it would be so cool to journal what I was thinking all the time. If only there was a way, but since there’s not currently anything that can do that, I must hold in my thoughts until I have time to jot everything down. I was thinking about the date I had tonight. I was getting ready for it… hence the shower… I kept thinking about what I wanted to wear and if that would call for shaving my legs. I decided I needed to just in case I wore my skirt. I ended up wearing the skirt, so I’m glad I shaved. I also talked to myself about my little protector. Kimberly Weaver. She has been very protective of me when it comes to Davis (The boy I had a date with). She thought we were a cute couple (we aren’t actually a couple) but she told him that if he hurts me, she will do things no male wants done to him. It’s pretty scary coming from a 10-year-old. Yeah, so for the date we went to McDonald’s. I ordered medium fries and a mocha frappe. I prefer that because I don’t eat so much that I’m full, it’s inexpensive, and I like the hyper feeling the mocha frappe gives me. For those of you who don’t know, a mocha frappe is pretty much just chocolate and coffee mixed together with whhipped cream and chocolate syrup on top. Starbucks also sells it, but I prefer McDonald’s. Anyway, we ate at McDonald’s, and then we went to the movies in the mall. We were going to see Dark Knight Rises (the new batman movie). There has been stuff on the news about shooting happening at the showings of this movie, and during the whole movie I was scared to death. The movie ended up being amazing, and I love it so much, but I couldn’t help be paranoid. Every time someone got up or made a sudden movement, I would look and see what it was. Davis sort of joked about it, but I was genuinely afraid. During each gun firing scene I thought to myself, “maybe this is when they’ll open fire, so the shots will be masked by the sounds of the movie”. I was fine during the movie and there were no shootings, thankfully, but I couldn’t help think of different scenarios of what would have happened. Would I be fired at and Davis jump in front of me? I know you might think that’s a bit vain of me to think, but I think he really likes me, and I think he might actually do that. Maybe I would get shot right off the bat, before anyone could save me. Did that scare me? Only a little… I was feeling weird being on a date. It just seemed to bring up memories of my past, and I was feeling overwhelmed. At one point I think I actually wanted something bad to happen. I wondered if people would miss me. I know it’s crazy now, but I really thought it… even if it were only for a split second. During the movie I ended up feeling all the emotions that Bruce Wayne felt: heartbreak, grief, betrayal. I feel like I connected to the character. I really enjoyed the movie. Because of all the memories and such, I was a bit on edge when we left. I was petrified of his driving. I wish I could have just taken the wheel, but I can’t drive a manual. He offered to teach me, but I replied that I would never need to know how to drive that, I’m only going to ever own an automatic. He asked me, “So, where does this date put me, on your friend’s list?”, and I just laughed and said, “I don’t know.” I wanted to say that he was already on my friend’s list, but I really didn’t want the conversation to continue, mostly because I didn’t want to hurt him. He probably got the message when I hugged him goodbye and didn’t kiss him, but maybe he didn’t think anything of that… I don’t know! I can’t tell how his mind thinks. I really feel like he sincerely likes me. I’m not used to that. After my relationship with Will, I’m so used to being “liked” so that someone can get in my pants. I don’t mean that lightly either. The previous 2 weeks before this date, I have gone out with 2 different guys, and they both had the intention of having sex with me… and I think that’s the only reason they wanted to go out on a date. I ended up seeing 2 great movies, and one of the dates actually didn’t end in sex, but that’s only because his friend wanted him to come over. I feel like I’ve lost all self-respect. I don’t feel like anyone can truly like me, so I’ll just take what I can get. Maybe there is something special in Davis, but I don’t think he knows what he’d be getting into, and I’d rather not completely reveal myself to him, so I’ll tell him the truth if he asks, and that is that I’m not ready for a relationship. I am physically, and I’m mature enough for one, but emotionally, I’m so damaged, and I don’t think I can handle it. I find myself thinking about Will all too often. I need to break from him and the memory of our relationship before I can move on and look for someone else. I also find myself comparing most of the guys I might like a little to him. If I don’t feel what I felt with him, or more, I don’t see a future in it at all. I need someone I can be my complete self around. Like I was with him… I don’t know if I’ll ever find that. Maybe he’ll come back? I doubt that… He’s gay. Yeah, that probably has something to do with my low self-esteem lately. The one boy I could be myself around, and the one boy who I thought loved me as much as I loved him… it turns out that not only did he cheat on me, but he lied to me for so long. He said he thought about this other side of him since early high school. I wonder all the time why he would have even asked me out (and proposed to me) if he thought he might be gay. Maybe he was still figuring it out, or maybe he thought he could sway his way of thinking by getting deep into a relationship… I don’t know, I just wish it would be clean cut simple, but it’s not. I have emotional turmoil because of it. Every time I try to relate to something, I always have a memory of him to share. I don’t want it to be that way, I want to be able to completely move past him, but I can’t. I don’t know how. I’ve even resulted back to self-harming when I feel too stressed about it. It’s not just the memories; it’s the self-image as well. I feel I’m not good enough for anyone now. I look in the mirror and I’m disgusted, I just want to… I don’t know… I want to change… So badly! I look at my body, and I just think to myself that I’m so fat, and I look at my face, and I see all the marks form previous break outs, and I see my eyebrows, my nose, my lips, my ears. I don’t think I like much of anything. I like my brown eyes and my hair. That’s probably the lot of it. My upper body is so muscular and masculine. I threw the discus, shot put, and javelin for the track and field team in high school, so I’m built, but I don’t like it. I feel like my shoulders are so huge, then my waist is okay, but then it all pops out again at my hips and thigh area. I like the hour glass look, but I feel like I have too much sand in mine if you catch my drift. I’m actually starting my new diet tomorrow. I have a diary for it and everything and I am determined to see it through. I am currently 176lbs. For my height (5’4”), a healthy weight would be 120lbs. Once I hit that weight, I will work to stabilize my diet and exercise and keep it there. Until then, I’m taking extreme measures. I have a no food diet, only water to drink, and a progressively tough workout schedule. I say progressively tough because it starts out quite easy, and progressively the exercise becomes more and more hours of the day. I’ve become desperate I think, and I don’t have anywhere else to turn. I’ve seen horror stories about anorexia on television, but I don’t think mine will escalate to that. I know I know… It can happen to anyone and when you start you can’t stop. Yeah, I learned that about self-harming, but I feel this will be different.  Don’t ask me why, because I don’t know. I just feel like I need to do something. Call me impatient all you want, because I am. I might be at an “average weight”, but do you really think that makes me feel any better? Not really, considering that the average American is overweight… yeah, it makes me feel horrible. The fact that I’m getting increasingly heavier, I don’t know what else to do… I’m just desperate. I don’t like attention! So if you or anyone else tries to pin that on me, you’re all wrong! I don’t care one little bit what others think of me. I want to be thinner for me. It will give me confidence. I don’t care if “fat” was seen as beautiful, I would still want to be thin, because that’s what I see as beautiful. I don’t self-harm for attention either. I don’t want anyone to find out, and after every cut, I feel regret. “What did I do that?” “Gosh, that was so stupid!” “I hope no one sees this.” “What are some things I can say to cover up the truth?” These are just a few things that run through my mind afterward, but the afterward doesn’t matter when I’m in the moment. All I’m thinking about is the pain, the agony, the self-hatred, the memories, the hopelessness, the desperation. I want it all just go away, so I cut, and for a moment, I feel like I’m back in control of my pain. I love seeing blood when I cut. If I don’t bleed enough, I feel like I was a chicken and that I didn’t have what it takes to cut deeper. I hate myself for not cutting enough. Then afterwards I hate myself for cutting in the first place. I know the techniques used to prevent it, and I ignore them. I know how I can handle things better, but I choose not to. This is probably very selfish and inconsiderate, but I can’t help it. Cutting (and in the past, scratching) is the only thing I can turn to. I just get this giant spout of energy and I don’t know what to do with it, but when I cut, I feel calm… and I can sleep, or read, or anything I was unable to do with the emotional state I was in. It’s like a drug to me. I get in a certain state of mind, and self-harm gets me out of it, and I’m able to go on with my day/night. I’ve even been in so much anxiety over memories that I couldn’t sleep, but as soon as I cut a few times, I was able to fall asleep. I also feel shame in what I do and what I feel. I’m 18 now and I feel like my emotions are a little adolescent for me. I feel like I should have outgrown all these feelings, matured past this… But I can’t! I don’t know how. I’m going down this long tunnel of darkness and I don’t know how to get out. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m recently Baptist and everyone at church talks about letting God handle your burdens and that whatever problem you have, he can handle it. On the other hand, they talk about being a grain of sand on the great beach that is God when it comes to how we are in comparison, and that no matter what God loves every one of us equally. This should bring great happiness to me, but it just makes me feel worse. I feel like that’s just one more person that I’m letting down, and what’s worse is that I can’t hide it from him. I can go to church and act happy in front of everyone, but he knows how I really feel. I don’t want to say that I’ve lost my new found faith because I haven’t. I don’t mean this in a bad way, but I don’t feel my emotional distress has anything to do with my beliefs. I don’t know exactly how to explain this, but simply put: I believe in God and I try my best to live for him every day, but sometimes God isn’t what I need. He fills a certain part of my heart, but not always the part that needs filling. I really don’t know how to explain it. I pray all the time, and I want to get better, but I just feel like the two aspects are so far away. I don’t mean to doubt anything, and I know you have to “meet God halfway”, but I just don’t think it can help me in my situation. I don’t even know why I brought God into this. To be brutally honest, when I’m in a certain mind set, I don’t think about God or Jesus or anyone for that matter. I only think about myself and what a horrible life and body I have. It sounds really selfish to put it that way, but it’s the truth. When I want to cut, or I hate on how I look, I don’t have anything on my mind except exactly that. That’s something that I can explain. If I’m in the moment, I’m always completely focused on what I’m doing. If I wasn’t, If I got distracted by something such as God, or writing, or drawing, then I wouldn’t cut… hands down. I’m writing this as if I’m writing to a specific person… but rather I’m just referring to my computer journal as a friend. I do however, need to be up by 9am… and it’s currently 4:25am, so I think I’m going to attempt to get just a little sleep. Wish me luck on kick starting my diet, and let’s hope I don’t have to cut tomorrow. I will be back tomorrow though, so I will talk to you then.  (: –Alyssa

YOUTUBE!

I am now on YouTube! I've actually had an account for sometime, but I'm just now getting into the swing of making videos. I'm just starting out and only have a few ideas, so any video requests will definitely be appreciated! Here is a link to my channel! Enjoy, rate, and subscribe (:
http://www.youtube.com/user/alyssacook94?feature=mhee

Headache.

I'm up right now because of a headache, so I thought I'd blog about it. It's weird, headaches. When you have one you have to force yourself not to feel any emotions. Sadness, joy, and anger only make them worse. Also, it's best to keep your head still, not to toss and turn while sleeping. Bright lights, ha! forget about it. They make it really bad. I now have my computer set to the lowest brightness setting and it still bothers me in contrast to my dark room. Loud noises aren't good either. The background noises like my air conditioner don't bother me, but it's storming and the thunder does... yeah the bright lightning too.I'm not going to make this too much longer, because too much deep thought makes it worse. Also it's getting so bad that I feel sick. This is the 2nd day in a row I've fallen asleep with a headache. I've got to go. It's too much.

The truth is...

I self injure in order to help with my anxiety, but sometimes it makes my anxiety worse... So why do I keep doing it? Definitely something to ponder...