Journal Excerpt #3

So… I keep reading up on Anorexia… You’d think it would talk me out of it… but it doesn’t. These girls who usually think they are fat are like… 130lbs or less. I’m way over that limit.. So, I need to get down to that. Well, my goal is actually 120… but anyway, I just want to be that so bad. That’s it! NO MORE FOOD. If I eat one more piece of food or drink one more thing that is not food, I’m ending it! I can’t keep putting this off. I need change, and I need to start working on it now! This is my Promise to myself. <3 and="and" anything="anything" be="be" before="before" die="die" else="else" get="get" i="i" in="in" let="let" o:p="o:p" of="of" pretty="pretty" skinny="skinny" that.="that." the="the" way="way" will="will">

I don’t know if it was real… but I was just singing really loud to a song, and as the music got louder, so did I, and I think Halley yelled at me to “SHUT UP!” … but I don’t know if she did… Am I going crazy?

AHHHHHHHHHHH I just want to scream…..

More places to cut myself? I don’t want to just overlay scar after scar on the section of my arms I’m cutting now, but I don’t want a completely obvious spot either. The spot I’m using now is really good. No one has noticed at all! (Either that or they don’t care._. ) Halley did say she saw a red mark on my arm, but she didn’t know what it was… I think she might now, but she hasn’t seen the whole, and she hasn’t said anything about it. I just ….. what was I going to say?.......... I don’t know. My mind is just blank now… I’m not sleeping today.. I won’t even sleep to sleep in. I don’t need it… I don’t think. I use the “…” way too much. I think it looks stupid when I use it too much, but when I go back and the read it, the “…”’s make me trail off what I was reading, which is the whole purpose right…? Yeah, I think so.

I didn’t get to drive to JSU today… I was supposed to. I’m not feeling bad about it though. I don’t want to totally rip out my parent’s throat for not letting me. My Great Uncle Roy passed away today… or yesterday, technically. So, my mom had the car majority of the day at the hospital… at least majority of the time I was awake…

So I don’t know what else to say… Nighty night… or good morning?