Maybe I'm crazy?

So I guess this is going to be more than just about my self-image and stuff like that, It’ll probably about my anxiety and any other thoughts as well. I just cut my leg… Like I actually saw the skin split. I felt a little guilty about it, but then I saw where the… cellulite? Was building up in my thighs, so I felt better. It was kind of like a “Yeah, you deserved that.” To my legs. I wish I could think of myself as pretty, and I really do think my face is pretty… for the most part. I just HATE my weight and I hate looking at my full body in the mirror): I was actually feeling good today. This morning I looked in the mirror and I admitted out loud that I actually liked what I saw. Now I’m sitting here in dried blood trying to wrap my head around my polar opposite feelings. I love myself one minute, then I’m punishing myself for eating the next. I don’t think I would be classified as anorexic. For one: I’m not skinny enough, For two: I actually haven’t skipped that many meals. I’ve tried… Many times I’ve tried, but I always randomly go into the kitchen and then I find myself eating. It’s not really a binge type eating… or when I’m bored. I just can’t seem to stop eating. I eat a “healthy amount” according to my mom. To me, though, it’s too much. I need to be eating nothing, so my body can burn off this fat. I’m too out of shape to exercise properly. I think if I had access to a gym or gym equipment, it would be easier, but normal push-ups and crunches don’t do it for me. I just don’t know how to deal with it.

                About my anxiety, I can’t seem to understand it. Sometimes, I am so anxious at night and that’s why I cut and it helps me calm down and go to sleep, but if I cut myself for other reasons, self-hatred, punishment, etc. then it makes me anxious. Even right now that’s why I’m too anxious to sleep. When I get like this, it’s so hard to sleep. I see bugs that aren’t there, and I feel them on my skin. I could swear I see them, but when I do a double take, it’s gone! I usually don’t have enough emotion to cry that much anymore… I listen to music to bring out my emotion. Sure I could cry if I lay there forever without any sleep at all for a long enough time, but crying tires me out, so I like the music to make me cry. I don’t ever cut because I’m sad over music, so that’s never the reason. Giving up the music would be a giant step back to me. I wouldn’t have it to calm me down from anxiety, so… I would probably get worse. I think I’m also really afraid of the dark… but only when I get extremely anxious, or if something triggers it. Like right now I’m distracted by this journal, so it doesn’t bother me, but if I heard a mysterious bump, buzzing, flutter, or even something outside… if I saw a shadow that could have honestly been anything, or a light coming from outside, I CAN’T sleep. It was once so bad I slept on the couch… and even then I didn’t get to sleep until 6am when the sun came. While in the living room that night I also had a bad freak attack about someone being outside (when no one was there)… I hid in the bathroom for at least an hour… I don’t know what goes through my mind sometimes.. Maybe I’m crazy?